Fear, uncertainty, anger, and so many other emotions unnameable cause a flood upon the psyche that could not be escaped. I do not entirely know why, but I feel that I must write. I must write for the sake of writing. It does not matter what the outcome may be. Its length is not entirely important. Yet, it should be as lengthy as possible and with heavy substance when possible. It seemed as though today was a normal day. I woke up more rested than normal. My stress level was no more than usual. The bus ride to work was as enjoyable as possible. Then something happened. Suddenly pessimism and doubt creep in. Then an utter sadness takes over. And I am helpless to what is going on inside of me and all around me. I am not this person that as acting this way. I do not want to give up control, but it is me that I am fighting with over power. The worst part about the circuits misfiring and breaking down it is that the psyche does not schedule appointments. I guess it had been a long time coming. Today may truly be an “emptying of the cup.” At least a large spilling. I will have to slowly learn this new circuitry; harness and distribute power effectively. Getting older really is a bitch. I am extremely poor and I am extremely fortunately.
Its going to be a hot summer. Heat like death.
As usual I should be in bed. I always feel like I should be doing something. Whether it be cleaning, writing, developing an idea, feeding kids, checking the mail, taking out the garbage, getting to the bus five minutes early, calling someone, I don’t know something. There is so much more starting than finishing. Starting to develop a new idea, starting to clean, you get the point. The true moments of satisfaction is when something is done. No matter what the outcome really. Like anyone I hope for the best. Sometimes the ways of Gaia force you into making the eggs scrambled. I do not feel like I am doing the best that I can though. I fucking hate the fat excuses of America, and I’m a good thirty pounds overweight again (with a fifty dollar incentive for losing it all.) So fucking do it now. Don’t wait. Who really knows if it will be here tomorrow, and at least you can say you fucking tried. Even though I have attempted to cleverly insert the word fuck I totally understand that I being completely “cliche.” Fuck you. Its true. Why just wait to curl up and die? Why just make do? There is always something that needs to be done. Finding balance within the chaos is key. Its not so much getting old as is it how you do it. Exercise, vitamins , stretching (Yoga is just a snoty way of saying stretching,) self and preventative maintenance are all necessary. Quit smoking (at least cigarettes.) Read and learn. Keep your mind sharp.
Do not spend time relying on other people.
Who knows what the future holds. There is so much focus on the end of the world. Armageddon, the apocalypse, global warming, whatever it may be no matter what we do our individual worlds always come to an end. After that no one knows. You can pretend and convince and manipulate people into thinking that you have the answers. That you know some divine secret that only overly tan housewives watching Dr. Oz know. Bullshit. Its all a crock of shit. Fables to learn from at times. And at times falsified history less reliable than cave drawings. Charles Darwin and Stephen Hawking are much smarter than the average religious fanatic. Yes, I know that it is obvious, and still it seems necessary to point out. I’m slightly rambling because I would like to hit my 775 word per post minimum.
So what’s bothering you?
Well I’m not going to say publicly. That is partly why there is no real format or subject to discuss in this post. When is there ever? This is merely an experiment in personal therapy. A way of trimming off the fat of going crazy, and at the same time a space adventure; a traveling to a different galaxy. A way to lay out some goals – stay fit and healthy, stay motivated, stay sharp, quit smoking, etc. Repetition is extremely helpful when setting goals (especially goals of broad generalization.)
Find your own way out.
There’s something in the air that children should not be breathing.
Fuck the walls. It feels like all of civilization is falling down around me.
The armies are marching.
I can hear them as they prepare to storm the front door.
Goodnight world. I will rest so that I can fight you again tomorrow. I will clean my face so that your agents cannot see as easily into my mind. I will be calm for now, bear the pressure, and ingest this pollution.
- June 2011